Black XXX-Mas (1999)

Black XXX-Mas (1999)
Director: Pieter Van Hees
Writer: Pieter Van Hees
Cast: Don Warrington, Rochelle Gadd, Manou Kersting, Hilde Wils
Once upon a time there was reality. Now in reality, there are no good and bad guys. There are just bad guys and guys that are worse. This tale is an updated, megaviolent Little Red Riding Hood and is definitely not suitable for the kiddies!
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Quick paced short retelling of the Red Riding Hood story only with the twist its set in a future urban nightmare at Christmas. Entertaining short that's just over the 10 minute mark and can been seen fully on youtube in the link below, its a little weird in places but worth the view if you're seeking a little slice of headfuck viewing.
(6½ out of 10)
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Zeta One (1969)

Zeta One (1969)
aka The Love Factor
Director: Michael Cort
Writer: Michael Cort, Alistair McKenzie
Cast: Robin Hawdon, Charles Hawtrey, Dawn Addams, Yutte Stensgaard
A race of topless, large-breasted women from the planet Angvia, in another dimension, come to earth to kidnap women to repopulate their planet.
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Light weight James Bond styled sex farce with a science-fiction plotline. Secret agent James Word of department five is given a mission to try and foil an all female alien race who are kidnapping females to help expand their society. It isn't by any stretch of the word a great movie, for starters the actings substandard, but the funky swinging 60's sets and visuals help move the clunky story along. The films bond played by Robin Hawdon comes across more like Mark Wahlbergs Dirk Digler than Connery's Bond.
(5½ out of 10)

Laid to Rest (2009)

Laid to Rest (2009)
Director: Robert Hall
Writer: Robert Hall
Cast: Bobbi Sue Luther, Kevin Gage, Lena Headey, Sean Whalen, Richard Lynch
A terrifying story of a young girl who wakes up in a casket with a traumatic head injury and no memory of her identity. She quickly realizes she was abducted by a Deranged Serial Murderer and in an isolated rural town she must survive the night and outsmart the technologically inclined killer who is hellbent on finishing what he started.
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A woman who's unable to remember her name or how she got there awakens to find herself locked in a coffin in a creepy morgue. Not long after managing to escape the coffin she finds out she's being stalked by a chrome masked killer who enjoys filming his murders on a shoulder mounted camera. Hyper violent 80's feeling stalk and slasher that's got loads of problems #1 it sports a badly muddled cliché riddled plot (that doesn't have a single bit of story on its killer) #2 It's got very problematic character development and #3 it's poorly acted (has to be said mostly from its lead actress Bobbi Sue Luther). All that said even with its obvious flaws it does have enough to keep the casual horror nut happy, as its packed with wickedly over the top gore and is full of jaw dropping wonderfully handled set pieces that are bound to please the gore hounds (shame in someways the FX wasn't used on a tighter plotted movie).
(6 out of 10)
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One Eyed Monster (2008)

One Eyed Monster (2008)
Director: Adam Fields
Writers: Adam Fields, Jordan Fields
Cast: Ron Jeremy, Veronica Hart, Amber Benson, Charles Napier
The cast and filmmakers on the set of an adult movie get a little more than they bargain for when they become the target of ferocious alien, seemingly hell-bent on creating mayhem.
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Not as successful as the other detached penis on a killing spree movie from 2008 Frank Henenlotter's Bad Biology, One Eyed Monster is none the less an enjoyable cheese ball romp. Plots about a porn shoot in a remote mountain area. Only instead of big bangs on set its lead actor none other than Ron Jeremy (here playing himself) whom gets the biggest bang in the form of a being hit by a comet. Later on while shooting the films first sex scene his penis detaches and tries to kill a female pornstar. Jeremy dies but his penis flees and ends up going on a drilling'n'killing spree. You know with such a silly premise you're in for a leave your brains at the door and have a giggle viewing session. Highlights Russ Meyer mainstay Charles Napier turning up as an alcoholic nam vet, mocking a Vietnam horror story very much in the vein of Christopher Walken as Captain Koons with that classic dead soldiers watch up the ass scene in Pulp Fiction. The spin here though is Napier goes on about his troop being attacked by a monstrous cock. Not great by any stretch but cheesy movie fans should find enough meat here to make it worth a view.
(6 out of 10)

The World Beyond (1978)

The World Beyond (1978)
aka The Mud Monster
Director: Noel Black
Writer: Art Wallace
Cast: Granville Van Dusen, JoBeth Williams, Richard Fitzpatrick
Sportswriter Paul Taylor, after a near-death experience on the operating table, can hear the voices of the recently dead. These voices direct him to people who need help from supernatural dangers. In this story, his mission takes him to a remote Canadian island haunted by a creature made from mud and clay. The only thing which can harm this mud golem is salt.
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One of two made for TV horror stories the others called The World of Darkness, about sportswriter Paul Taylor who after a near death experience due to a motorcycle accident gains the ability to hear voices of the dead. In this one he gets told to go help the residents of Logan's island whom are under the threat of a golem or as called in this film a mud monster. Heaps of fun like all great creature features you don't see the monster till the end and contains a great pre Evil Dead crawling hand scene. Shame they only made the two movies Granville Van Dusen who played Paul Taylor would of been a great rival to Kolchak.
(7 out of 10)

Forever (2005)

Forever (2005)
Director: Jonas Govaerts
Writer: Jonas Govaerts, Uli Oesterle
Cast: Tijs Ceulemans, Yon-Ko Correwyn, Joke De Bruyn, Erik De Cnodder
Belgian short film directed by Jonas Govaerts and based on the comic by Uli Oesterle, about a cursed tattoo that keeps growing.
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Cautionary tale about the risks of getting a tattoo while drunk. Running in at under 15 minutes this short manages to keep you entertained. The plots about a bored advertising agent, when is girlfriend tells him hes not rock'n'roll enough he goes out and gets a tattoo from a mysterious Asian tatooist known as Dr Lee . Only trouble is he doesn't like the cost and tries to flee without paying, which doesn't work out as he ends up running over Dr Lee. Matter of hours later and the tattoo mysteriously starts to grow till it covers his entire body. This in turn kicks off a run of bad luck ending in a bloody final. Played as much for comedy as horror its a nice little film featuring some well done visual tricks like a floating dragon as a shadow or the animated tattoo itself. Can be found on DVD in the Selected Shorts #3: The Best Flemish Shorts of 2005 or watched in 2 segments on youtube.
(7 out of 10)

A Thief in the Night IV: The Prodigal Planet (1983)

A Thief in the Night IV: The Prodigal Planet (1983)
Director: Donald W. Thompson
Writer: Russell S. Doughten Jr.
Cast: William Wellman Jr., Lynda Beatie, Terri Lynn Hall, Thom Rachford
Final and least well-known installment in the Mark IV series of fundamentalist apocalypse films. About to executed by the forces of the Antichrist, fundamentalist Christian guerrilla David is rescued by Connie, an Antichrist agent pretending to be a double agent for the Believers' Underground. Connie hopes to trick David into leading her to the dissidents' hidden base. Meanwhile, Armageddon and the Second Coming draw nigh.
IMDB Page
(Not Yet Rated)


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A Thief in the Night III: Image of the Beast (1980)

A Thief in the Night III: Image of the Beast (1980)
Director: Donald W. Thompson
Writers: Russell S. Doughten Jr., Donald W. Thompson
Cast: William Wellman Jr., Susan Plumb, Patty Dunning, Russell S. Doughten Jr., Thom Rachford
Third and best known entry in the Mark IV series of fundamentalist apocalypse films. Fundamentalist Christian guerrilla David helps condemned dissidents escape, attempts to subvert the computerized Mark of the Beast, and generally tries to survive as prophecy unfolds in the rise of the Antichrist to the pinnacle of his power and the beginning of God's war on sinful man.
IMDB Page
(Not Yet Rated)



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A Thief in the Night II: A Distant Thunder (1978)

A Thief in the Night II: A Distant Thunder (1978)
Director: Donald W. Thompson
Writer: Russell S. Doughten Jr.
Cast: Patty Dunning, Sally Johnson, Sandy Christen, Thom Rachford
This second film in the series continues the story of Patty who is left living as a fugitive, relentlessly pursued and finally captured by the forces of UNITE, she is given a choice: either receive "the Mark" or face death.
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More cringe inducing acting in the second installment of the Mark IV end of times series. This time Patty's been sent to a camp run by the Unite awaiting to be given the mark of the beast or to be beheaded. Massive improvement over the first film though like that its still overly preachy and too talky. The plots more like an improvement on the first than an all out sequel, as most the original themes from the first are re-shot and told again here as Patty's memories. Great to see Jerry's back full on stashed up. Its just a shame the writers went over the top preaching and didn't do it a little more subtle as it would of made one hell of a good little thriller.
(6 out of 10)

A Thief in the Night (1972)

A Thief in the Night (1972)
Director: Donald W. Thompson
Writers: Russell S. Doughten Jr., Grant James
Cast: Patty Dunning, Mike Niday, Colleen Niday, Maryann Rachford, Thom Rachford
Story of Patty, a young woman caught up in living for the present with little concern for the future. As dramatic, earth shaking events begin to unfold around her, Patty realizes she is living in the end times spoken of in biblical prophecy.
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First entry in the quadrilogy of crazy Christian end of days movies which are sometimes referred to as the Mark IV series. The films producers claimed this film had saved upwards of 4 million peoples souls something I find a little hard to believe. The film concerns Patty who wakes up to find millions of people missing with the belief that gods taken them before the final apocalypse. All this leaves Patty with either the option of finding the lord and hopefully saving her soul or letting the Unite take control of her. Dire acting and sluggish overly talky and preachy plot never really does what it sets out to do and convert you to Christianity. That said for fans of cheap movies or anyone seeking a little bit of dystopian nonsense there's heaps of fun to be had. Its done very much on the cheap and feels a little like an early Roger Corman film. Not really recommended but there's laughs abound at would be villain Jerry with his muscle man styled moustache and at how terrible the acting is in general. Maybe I'm being a little harsh on the poor film though as it may of seemed a good idea back in the 70's but age hasn't done it any justice.
(4 out of 10)

This Is America Part 3 (1990)

This Is America Part 3 (1990)
aka America Exposed
Director: Romano Vanderbes
Writer: Romano Vanderbes
Cast: Norman Rose, Gene Brat, Seka, Tim Sullivan
Third instalment in the This Is America trilogy the segments in this entry include gun conventions, the cremation of Satan Claus, sorority house atrocities, Nazi & white power organizations and bank robberies.
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Last outing of the This Is America films, this time feels slightly more fake and acted though still bizarre and entertaining. Highlights this time round include a warped church where they claim Santa clause is really Satan and a white supremacy clan summer camp for kids.
(6 out of 10)



This Is America Part 2 (1977)

This Is America Part 2 (1977)
Director: Romano Vanderbes
Writers: Bill Milling, Romano Vanderbes
Cast: Norman Rose, Jello Biafra, Alice Cooper, Anibal O. Lleras
Romano Vanderbes, the American shockumentary king, reaches new extremes in the sequel to THIS IS AMERICA. The atrocities on display here include animal motels, Captain Sticky- a fat, bearded American super-hero whose mission is to fight evil, restaurants that offer genital-shaped foods, topless car wash, homeless bums living in the sewers of New York, biker gangs, piranhas, kids drinking "worm juice", Christian people sniffing coke inside churches and more!
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Romano Vanderbes back on the film making side and Norman Rose back on narrating duty for the second of the This Is America trilogy. Things kick off slightly louder this time with a performance by The Dictators doing a version of America the Beautiful while the titles role, then right into piece about punk star Jello Biafra of the Dead Kennedy's running for mayor of San Francisco. Then back into a more This Is America feeling segment about a crazy fat bloke called Captain Sticky. Among some of the other more interesting segments we get a look at underground vagrants, a piranha attack, martial arts nuns, a family of worm eaters, a drug abusing church and ends with a death row electrocution. For me this is the best entry of the series due to a more varied balance of odd subjects.
(7½ out of 10)

This Is America (1977)

This Is America (1977)
aka Jabberwalk
Director: Romano Vanderbes
Writer: Romano Vanderbes
Cast: Norman Rose, Fanne Foxe, Anibal O. Lleras, Ron Jeremy
Inspired by shock-documentaries like Mondo Cane, this film looks at the wilder side of life in America. Starting off with the bloodier side of the American car culture by showing a series of crashes at race events, the film then goes on to lesser-known sexual practices. Included among these is a porno movie award show, a nude beauty contest, a sex therapy session, and a detailed explanation of where dildos come from.
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Though Less shocking than Italian mondo films this American based documentary is more fun to watch, it also spawned 2 sequels. Norman Rose narrates in a playful style very much like a Disney nature show. Among the many segments in this first entry are a Miss All Bare America contest, a fly in bordello, an orgiastic porn awards ceremony including pornstar Ron Jeremy, genital tattoos, devil worshipers and sex toys. Well worth hunting down and at just over the hour and half mark it makes for a fun party tape.
(7 out of 10)