Cool Air, 2006 - ★½

Cool Air, 2006 - ★½
REVIEWED

"I wasn't aware that Night of the Living Dead was a documentary."

Dr. Shockner

Low grade version of H.P. Lovecraft's 'Necronomicon Book of Dead'. A struggling writer suffers an heart attack while cooped away writing his masterpiece. He's helped by his secretive neighbor Dr. Shockner who practices experimental medicine. Thought cured its not long before the writer notices hes not the man he once was.

Though its pretty competent for an Albert Pyun film, its extremely boring, overly talky and severely lacking in action of any kind. It may appeal to undemanding Lovecraft fans who don't mind one of their heroes most popular stories narrated by 3rd rate actors. Personally it did absolutely nothing for me I was praying for the FADE TO BLACK.

[PRFR]
Extremely unmemorable, I guess the exception was seeing the cringe worthy porno quality actress playing an autistic character.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

The Facility, 2012 - ★

The Facility, 2012 - ★
REVIEWED

"Do you wanna know what the side fx of brain drugs are? ... anything the human mind can think on and act on... thats the side fx"

Morty (Steve Evets)

Warning: Side-FX may involve anxiety, head swelling and murder.

Bland, low grade British medical horror following a group of drug trial volunteers testing a new drug named Symtrex Pro9.

The Facility originally titled Guinea Pigs is as humorless as its forgettable. The ending was rushed, the plot felt derivative and the acting was sub afternoon soap opera quality.

[PRFR]
I wont remember anything, I guess at a push I kinda liked the Mancunian drug trail journey man character Morty, for the simple fact there probably are people who do these trials for a living.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Chosen Survivors, 1974 - ★★½

Chosen Survivors, 1974 - ★★½
REVIEWED

"It consumes its own weight in blood every day."

Alana Fitzgerald (Diana Muldaur)

Slightly off kilter post apocalyptic fantasy, following a group of chosen individuals who are lucky enough to land places in a state of the art futuristic underground base, ahead of an imminent nuclear attack on the USA. Only the group are plagued by vampire bats, and begin to question if they're not part of some progressively more elaborate experiment.

'Chosen Survivors' is an unusual mixture of familiar themes, that never rose to its early promise for me. It did manage to build a pretty claustrophobic and suspenseful atmosphere, while the hammy script made it feel more like a television pilot than feature. Especially the first 3rd, when we're introduced to the characters by way of narrated psycho babble. Acting is fine and visually its great, the internal base is full of 70s chic.

[PRFR]
The dubious random drunken sexual attack by the pent up lead character played by Jackie Cooper, and the even more dubious 'ohh go on then' response by the victim played by Barbara Babcock (the 70s really took misogyny to another level). Ohh and I must give a massive nod to the films lighting department, it lit tunnels and elevator shafts green, way before Alien/Aliens did.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Aftershock, 2013 - ★½

Aftershock, 2013 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Your going to hell..."

Escaped Criminal

Having recently shat upon the world the truly shambolic web series 'Hemlock Grove', Eli Roth steps in front of the camera for the equally shambolic Chilean gore soaked disaster romp 'Aftershock'. A vacationing American and his party get caught up in an earthquake while clubbing in Chili. As well dealing with the initial destruction, the groups got to deal with the aftershock, which include a gang of escaped criminals and the threat of a tsunami.

Such an atrocious 10+ million waste of celluloid, I doubt I'll catch a worse film for its budget for the remainder of this year. I seriously hope writer & director Nicolás López, along with with the rest of the cast+crew blew their budget on quality pharmaceuticals, because it doesn't look like it went into the film. Every character is an asshole, you're only too happy to see die. The first third feels totally wasted, sort of like a goofy 'Hangover' style vacation setup, including a Chilean Zach Galifanakis wannabe only with zero the charm. Then when the laughably bad earthquake hits, the film picks up a little, but the events tensions wasted when you meet the goofy premise of escaped women hungry prisoners. On the bright side the locations are beautiful, as are various members of the fairer sex within the movie.

[PRFR]
Cheering when the dreadful dancer Russel bowed out, highly possible his cameo was some local Chilean celebrity that western viewers wouldn't get the reference. In fact to be fair, in the films credit you never know when one of the key character's is about to get wiped out, which was a tad refreshing. And the final was pretty cool, a little reminiscent of the surfer movie 'Point Break'.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Texas Chainsaw, 2013 - ★½

Texas Chainsaw, 2013 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Fit for pig meat you'll be... squeal squeal"

Local lynch mob member

Texas Chainsaw 3D puts the Zzzzzzz in BuZZZzzz
Another trite entry in the hailing TCM franchise, the atrocious plot concerns original Sawyer family offspring Heather. She's grown up thinking she was someone else's child but due to being left property in her real mothers will. She finds out the truth that shes a descendant of the sinister Sawyer clan. Heather takes a trip to see her newly acquired property and finds out shes not the only descendant still alive, her cousin Bubba 'Leatherface' Sawyer is still lurking around the family home.

I'd feared the worst about this sorry mess early on when I'd heard it was being filmed in 3D. Sure the previous sequels and reboots had been bad but this really out did itself on the shit scale. The story was lame, visually it looked like a million dollar straight to video movie, the actings was sub par (they even threw in a poor mans Brad Pitt with Shaun Sipos)... hell even the gore FX felt decidedly shoddy. If I ever find a magic lamp I'm saving one wish for John Luessenhop to never make another horror genre movie.

[PRFR]
I really doubt I'll be remember this for anything. Guess the highlight was the silly anti Christian song by John R Butler that played on a car radio, was a very South Park moment.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Ooga Booga, 2013 - ★½

Ooga Booga, 2013 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Do you want me to show you why they call me a finger puppet"

Ooga Booga (voiced by Bob Ramos)

Having covered nazisploitation, drugsploitation & breadsploitation with Puppet Master, Evil Bong & Gingerdead Man. Full Moon's Chas Band turns his lowbrow doll skills towards blaxploitation, with a totally politically incorrect bone through the nose tribesman named Ooga Booga. Plots about a children's pig entertainer named Hambo, leaving one of his fans Devlin a replica doll. Only while buying his girlfriend a slushy, Dev gets caught up in a store robbery and gets killed by a racist cop. His blood mixes with slushy mix, which make the lifeless doll come alive and seek revenge.

Ooga Booga's one of those movies aimed squarely at the undemanding stoner audience. Sure the doll itself looks pretty neat and will bag one or two laughs, sadly the story especially the lame jokes are terrible. Guess it was nice to see stalwarts like Stacey Keach and Karen Black still acting (if only to prove they're still both breathing).

[PRFR]

Ooga getting some spear relief after walking into his girlfriend showering.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Chupacabra vs. The Alamo, 2013 - ★½

Chupacabra vs. The Alamo, 2013 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Not a wild goose chase, a coyote"

Carlos (Erik Estrada)

Bad movie fans rejoice we got more Syfy shit, this time... legendary Mexican TV bike cop Erik Estrada (still looking well for his age) returns to the saddle as Carlos, hes a tough maverick cop whose trying to solve a slew of slaughtered people surrounding the famous fort Alamo. Turns out a mutant coyote (chupacabra) pack are to blame, so Estrada with his criminal son and his buddies set up a plan to blow the shit out of them.

I'm not even gonna mention the crap CGI thats a given with SYFY, but it never fails to make me wonder how they write this junk, out of shame even the trained monkey's use Alan Smithee aliases. I'd say fuck you SYFY, but know the next time another original airs I'll be tuned in.

[PRFR: Personal Reasons For Remembering]
Estrada's hot daughter and the way he says coyoteeee

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Skin Of Your Teeth, 1999 - ★½

REVIEWED

Skin Of Your Teeth, 1999 - ★½

I viewed this as part of the "Ultimate Zombie Feast - DVD Collection". A pair of backpackers find refuge in a rural farm, when a zombie invasion has made the cities no go areas.

Yet another routine zombie short, thats far too pedestrian for a 14 minute film.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Savages, 2001 - ★½

Savages, 2001 - ★½
REVIEWED

I viewed this as part of the "Ultimate Zombie Feast - DVD Collection". Savages is a found footage zombie short from India. Starts with a man recieving a camcorder for his birthday, then typically goofing around playing pranks his firends. For some unknown reason he decides it'd be fun to spend his big day roaming around a village in a forbidden zone, thats near to a mility base. As night begins to close in, one of the party gets attacked and slowly transforms into an undead killer.

Shoddy 40 minute zombie short, thats sole redeeming feature is the fact it comes from a country not known for zombie flicks.

Originally taken from Letterboxd