Cool Air, 2006 - ★½

Cool Air, 2006 - ★½
REVIEWED

"I wasn't aware that Night of the Living Dead was a documentary."

Dr. Shockner

Low grade version of H.P. Lovecraft's 'Necronomicon Book of Dead'. A struggling writer suffers an heart attack while cooped away writing his masterpiece. He's helped by his secretive neighbor Dr. Shockner who practices experimental medicine. Thought cured its not long before the writer notices hes not the man he once was.

Though its pretty competent for an Albert Pyun film, its extremely boring, overly talky and severely lacking in action of any kind. It may appeal to undemanding Lovecraft fans who don't mind one of their heroes most popular stories narrated by 3rd rate actors. Personally it did absolutely nothing for me I was praying for the FADE TO BLACK.

[PRFR]
Extremely unmemorable, I guess the exception was seeing the cringe worthy porno quality actress playing an autistic character.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

The Facility, 2012 - ★

The Facility, 2012 - ★
REVIEWED

"Do you wanna know what the side fx of brain drugs are? ... anything the human mind can think on and act on... thats the side fx"

Morty (Steve Evets)

Warning: Side-FX may involve anxiety, head swelling and murder.

Bland, low grade British medical horror following a group of drug trial volunteers testing a new drug named Symtrex Pro9.

The Facility originally titled Guinea Pigs is as humorless as its forgettable. The ending was rushed, the plot felt derivative and the acting was sub afternoon soap opera quality.

[PRFR]
I wont remember anything, I guess at a push I kinda liked the Mancunian drug trail journey man character Morty, for the simple fact there probably are people who do these trials for a living.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Last Kind Words, 2012 - ★★★½

Last Kind Words, 2012 - ★★★½
REVIEWED

"Why don't you kiss me... its not a sin if I'm drunk"

City dweller Katie (Sarah Steele)

'Last Kind Words' is a pretty damned cool, slow paced supernatural yarn, set in a rural backwater. It follows 17 year old Eli (Spencer Daniels) who discovers that his neighbor Waylon (Brad Dourif) is hiding a shocking family secret, and that his dream girl Amanda (Alexia Fast) isn't all she seems.

Quality little picture, its the first feature from writer/director Kevin Barker that proves so long as you put in some effort, you don't need millions to make a good film. Visually sun drenched, aurally its soaked with delta blues and folk, plus the acting is solid throughout. What more can you ask for (I really enjoyed it) I'd liken it to an indie version of 'Lovely Bones'. I guess it'll be a touch slow for thrill seekers, but if you're in the mood for something a little more restraint, you could do far far worse than this.

[PRFR]
Brad Dourif making a low budget movie worth a shit, the quality delta blues soundtrack and lovely Alexia Fast skinny dipping.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Iron Man 3, 2013 - ★★★½

Iron Man 3, 2013 - ★★★½
REVIEWED

"Failure is the fog through which we glimpse triumph."

Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce)

Stark raving hilarious 3rd solo outing for Iron Man. Tony Stark emotionally crippled and prone to anxiety attacks since his recent duty with the Avengers, has to face a nerdy cognitive scientist hell bent on creating hybrid humans to conquer the medical world and take revenge on Stark for failing to acknowledge his genius years earlier.

The basic setup is pretty standard superhero gubbins that we've seen 100s of times before... evil genius intent on making an impact on the world, kidnaps the heroes woman yada yada blah blah. So zero points for originality then, but the 3rd outing still makes for a rewarding experience because Drew Pearce & Shane Black's script plays off these familiar stereotypes so damned well, almost to the point of being more a comedy than all out actioner.

Its gonna be a long time before anyone could attempt to do Tony Stark other than Robert Downey Jr. hes made the role his own. I loved the more anxiety riddled version this time around, was a little less cocksure but still enough super ego. Gwyneth Paltrow was hot as Penny, literary. Don Cheadle was Don Cheadle... again. And Jon Favreau was in disguise as Tony Soprano. While Ben Kingsley was hilarious has hammy kangaroo villain Mandarin. And Guy Pearce putting in another solid performance as Aldrich Killian, though agreeably not the most formidable villain whose ever graced a comic based franchise.

I'll be honest I never enjoyed 'The Avengers' half as much as everyone else seemed to do (could have been a little to do with the over hype), but it just felt like a CGI video game cut scene to me. So it was a treat that 'Iron Man 3' though not the greatest superhero movie ever, was still heaps of fun.

[PRFR]
I loved Starks big bro like interactions with the fatherless kid, plus so many laugh out loud segments from suits malfunctioning to Mandarin's off camera antics.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Aftershock, 2013 - ★½

Aftershock, 2013 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Your going to hell..."

Escaped Criminal

Having recently shat upon the world the truly shambolic web series 'Hemlock Grove', Eli Roth steps in front of the camera for the equally shambolic Chilean gore soaked disaster romp 'Aftershock'. A vacationing American and his party get caught up in an earthquake while clubbing in Chili. As well dealing with the initial destruction, the groups got to deal with the aftershock, which include a gang of escaped criminals and the threat of a tsunami.

Such an atrocious 10+ million waste of celluloid, I doubt I'll catch a worse film for its budget for the remainder of this year. I seriously hope writer & director Nicolás López, along with with the rest of the cast+crew blew their budget on quality pharmaceuticals, because it doesn't look like it went into the film. Every character is an asshole, you're only too happy to see die. The first third feels totally wasted, sort of like a goofy 'Hangover' style vacation setup, including a Chilean Zach Galifanakis wannabe only with zero the charm. Then when the laughably bad earthquake hits, the film picks up a little, but the events tensions wasted when you meet the goofy premise of escaped women hungry prisoners. On the bright side the locations are beautiful, as are various members of the fairer sex within the movie.

[PRFR]
Cheering when the dreadful dancer Russel bowed out, highly possible his cameo was some local Chilean celebrity that western viewers wouldn't get the reference. In fact to be fair, in the films credit you never know when one of the key character's is about to get wiped out, which was a tad refreshing. And the final was pretty cool, a little reminiscent of the surfer movie 'Point Break'.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Return of the Moonwalker, 2013 - ½

Return of the Moonwalker, 2013 - ½
REVIEWED

"I'm Black, and I'm White, I'm Dark, and I'm Light, I'm Yin-yang Hermaphrodite..."

Michael Jackson (Michael Rider)

Atrociously bad and painfully unfunny German comedy. A midget and his ladyboy lover/sex slave, dig up the corpse of Michael Jackson so a side show performer can resurrect him from the dead.

I knew going into this turkey that it wasn't going to be highbrow or have great artistic merit. But 'Return of the Moonwalker' seriously lacks any worthy aspect. The gags fall flat outside of being crude and offensive they lack humor, the acting gives a new meaning to substandard (doesn't help they're a German cast speaking English) and the plots all over the fucking place, theres not even much screentime given to the MJ performer.

[PRFR]
Another steamer I'm trying to block from my memory, so doubt I'll remember much, in fact I'll probably need counselling for the tasteful opening scene with an S&M midget fucking the ugliest ladyboy imaginable in the ass.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Texas Chainsaw, 2013 - ★½

Texas Chainsaw, 2013 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Fit for pig meat you'll be... squeal squeal"

Local lynch mob member

Texas Chainsaw 3D puts the Zzzzzzz in BuZZZzzz
Another trite entry in the hailing TCM franchise, the atrocious plot concerns original Sawyer family offspring Heather. She's grown up thinking she was someone else's child but due to being left property in her real mothers will. She finds out the truth that shes a descendant of the sinister Sawyer clan. Heather takes a trip to see her newly acquired property and finds out shes not the only descendant still alive, her cousin Bubba 'Leatherface' Sawyer is still lurking around the family home.

I'd feared the worst about this sorry mess early on when I'd heard it was being filmed in 3D. Sure the previous sequels and reboots had been bad but this really out did itself on the shit scale. The story was lame, visually it looked like a million dollar straight to video movie, the actings was sub par (they even threw in a poor mans Brad Pitt with Shaun Sipos)... hell even the gore FX felt decidedly shoddy. If I ever find a magic lamp I'm saving one wish for John Luessenhop to never make another horror genre movie.

[PRFR]
I really doubt I'll be remember this for anything. Guess the highlight was the silly anti Christian song by John R Butler that played on a car radio, was a very South Park moment.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Ooga Booga, 2013 - ★½

Ooga Booga, 2013 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Do you want me to show you why they call me a finger puppet"

Ooga Booga (voiced by Bob Ramos)

Having covered nazisploitation, drugsploitation & breadsploitation with Puppet Master, Evil Bong & Gingerdead Man. Full Moon's Chas Band turns his lowbrow doll skills towards blaxploitation, with a totally politically incorrect bone through the nose tribesman named Ooga Booga. Plots about a children's pig entertainer named Hambo, leaving one of his fans Devlin a replica doll. Only while buying his girlfriend a slushy, Dev gets caught up in a store robbery and gets killed by a racist cop. His blood mixes with slushy mix, which make the lifeless doll come alive and seek revenge.

Ooga Booga's one of those movies aimed squarely at the undemanding stoner audience. Sure the doll itself looks pretty neat and will bag one or two laughs, sadly the story especially the lame jokes are terrible. Guess it was nice to see stalwarts like Stacey Keach and Karen Black still acting (if only to prove they're still both breathing).

[PRFR]

Ooga getting some spear relief after walking into his girlfriend showering.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

May I Kill U?, 2013 - ½

May I Kill U?, 2013 - ½
REVIEWED

Embarrassingly bad, low grade crime satire that wouldn't even stand up to youtube quality skits. Kevin Bishop (of shit UK comedy trash 'Star Stories') plays copper Baz, he decides to go vigilante and make a lone stand against urban criminal.

Single worst film experience I've had this year, its sub cable TV standard. Actually it did remind me like the sort of thing Channel 4 airs in their Comedy Lab slots (stand alone comedy drama pilots, made at cost in the hope of generating interest in full series).

[PRFR]

Nothing, the quicker I forget the whole sorry mess the better. And Francis Barber has really gone to shit.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Resolution, 2013 - ★★★

Resolution, 2013 - ★★★
REVIEWED

"Maybe you have split personalities and your leaving each other gifts and shit for you to find."

Chris Daniels (Vinny Curran)

Michael intervenes with his old friend Chris's drug habit, forcing him to go cold turkey by handcuffing him in his crack hovel. Only Michael keeps stumbling on bizarre media left around the crack shack, slowly both Mike and Chris's world turns in on itself.

Resolution makes for an interesting change of pace, albeit not a completely successful one. Its a little bit social drama here, a little bit meta thriller headfuck there, and lots of meh everywhere else. The vibe of the movie most reminded me of the indie gem 'Cookers' crossed with Stuart Gordons puzzling 'King of the Ants' (both far better movies in my opinion). My big problem was the poor unbelievable casting of Vinny Curran as the crack addict Chris, he seemed more like a member of the 'Hangover' gang, than a man living a drug addicted life.

[PRFR]

Bill Oberst Jr. as the creepy French dope smoking archaeologist, the gleefully WTF/strange ending.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Dark Skies, 2013 - ★★★½

Dark Skies, 2013 - ★★★½
REVIEWED

"The invasion already happened, no one knows when it happened but they're here."

Edwin Pollard (J.K. Simmons)

Damned solid alien abduction science fiction drama that plays almost like a scene for scene remake of Spielberg/Tobe Hooper's Poltergeist only swapping crazy Injun spirits for child curious Grey's. The Barrett family are made prisoners in their own home, after numerous inexplainable occurrences they're forced to the conclusion that an alien presence is interest in one of their children.

Wow I surprisingly really liked this, of course the subjects been done many times before from various X-Files episodes to Communion. But Dark Skies to its credit is one of those rare entries that tackles its implausible subject with integrity. Sure its slightly hampered by budget restraints but thankfully it never sunk to cheap tactics.

[PRFR]
The cool walkie-talkie banter and characters of the two boys (packed with 80's Spielberg charm). And J.K. Simmons as the alien abduction obsessive crank.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Infected, 2012 - ★½

Infected, 2012 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Someday we'll find an end to all this, until then we'll just keep fighting."

Louis (Michael Madsen) 

Been there before horror, thats totally devoid of entertainment value. An hunting community is plagued by a blood virus, which causes those infected to turn into flesh craving zombie-like killers.

Infected's story and overall structure is so tired and hackneyed I'm shocked even shitty actors in decline like Michael Madsen & William Forsythe didn't insist on wearing disguises and using alias. One most viewers won't manage to make it through, unless like me your too hung over to get off the sofa to switch it off.

[PRFR]
William Forsythe's character giving his opinion on modern society while vivisecting a deer, plus I'll be honest I was amused at the song in the end credits which featured spoken word dialog from Madsen.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

13 eerie, 2013 - ★★½

13 eerie, 2013 - ★★½
REVIEWED

Average Canadian indie horror outing that starts with a cool concept and ends up just becoming another lame body count rack'em up. A group of forensic students get taken away to a training compound, where they're expected to study a set of medical supplied corpses. Only there happens to be more corpses than had been placed around the camp, and they're forced to fight for their life.

I'm not going to be cruel on this, I can't say it worked for me but I've seen far worse. Some of the gores pretty good, sadly during the last third most actions at night and is barely lit. The actings is also passable, its just a shame they didn't use the forensic camp concept in a better way.

[PRFR]

A bearded Nick Moran playing the camps stoner cook Larry 'where's me chickens' Jefferson.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Mama, 2013 - ★★½

Mama, 2013 - ★★½
REVIEWED

"I will come back from Clifton Forge with an answer"

Dr. Dreyfuss (Daniel Kash)

A disturbed man having killed his wife, flees to a remote cabin with his two young daughters. His intention is to kill his children so they don't have to face the horrors of life, only hes stopped in his tracks and the girls are left alone for 5 years, only are they really alone.

Bang a few creepy kids in a supernatural horror movie and you're usually onto a sure fire hit. Sadly Andrés Muschietti feature length version of Mama fails to deliver where it matter, namely in being scary. It isn't a total disaster it manages to build a sinister atmosphere early on, in fact for the first hour I was really enjoying it. Its when we finally see our completely CG rendered ghoul that it falls flat, and the film shifts from actually being an horror movie into being more of a fantasy. Didn't help I got confused with the same actor playing both the kids Dad and Uncle.

I just feel a little cheated being a huge horror fan, 'Mama' just fails to offer anything we've not seen dozens of times before and better. Its like they can just tag Guillermo del Toro's name or one of his movies to it and it will be an automatic success. For me 'Painless' was a far superior Spanish horror this year, and 'When the Lights Went Out' made a better child based supernatural chiller.

[PRFR: Personal Reasons For Remembering]

The acting especially by the children is way above standard. As is the cinematography, like the glorious opening with the car speeding along the winding snowy roads (that was oddly reminiscent of Kubrick's The Shinning).

Originally taken from Letterboxd