Cool Air, 2006 - ★½

Cool Air, 2006 - ★½
REVIEWED

"I wasn't aware that Night of the Living Dead was a documentary."

Dr. Shockner

Low grade version of H.P. Lovecraft's 'Necronomicon Book of Dead'. A struggling writer suffers an heart attack while cooped away writing his masterpiece. He's helped by his secretive neighbor Dr. Shockner who practices experimental medicine. Thought cured its not long before the writer notices hes not the man he once was.

Though its pretty competent for an Albert Pyun film, its extremely boring, overly talky and severely lacking in action of any kind. It may appeal to undemanding Lovecraft fans who don't mind one of their heroes most popular stories narrated by 3rd rate actors. Personally it did absolutely nothing for me I was praying for the FADE TO BLACK.

[PRFR]
Extremely unmemorable, I guess the exception was seeing the cringe worthy porno quality actress playing an autistic character.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

The Facility, 2012 - ★

The Facility, 2012 - ★
REVIEWED

"Do you wanna know what the side fx of brain drugs are? ... anything the human mind can think on and act on... thats the side fx"

Morty (Steve Evets)

Warning: Side-FX may involve anxiety, head swelling and murder.

Bland, low grade British medical horror following a group of drug trial volunteers testing a new drug named Symtrex Pro9.

The Facility originally titled Guinea Pigs is as humorless as its forgettable. The ending was rushed, the plot felt derivative and the acting was sub afternoon soap opera quality.

[PRFR]
I wont remember anything, I guess at a push I kinda liked the Mancunian drug trail journey man character Morty, for the simple fact there probably are people who do these trials for a living.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Chosen Survivors, 1974 - ★★½

Chosen Survivors, 1974 - ★★½
REVIEWED

"It consumes its own weight in blood every day."

Alana Fitzgerald (Diana Muldaur)

Slightly off kilter post apocalyptic fantasy, following a group of chosen individuals who are lucky enough to land places in a state of the art futuristic underground base, ahead of an imminent nuclear attack on the USA. Only the group are plagued by vampire bats, and begin to question if they're not part of some progressively more elaborate experiment.

'Chosen Survivors' is an unusual mixture of familiar themes, that never rose to its early promise for me. It did manage to build a pretty claustrophobic and suspenseful atmosphere, while the hammy script made it feel more like a television pilot than feature. Especially the first 3rd, when we're introduced to the characters by way of narrated psycho babble. Acting is fine and visually its great, the internal base is full of 70s chic.

[PRFR]
The dubious random drunken sexual attack by the pent up lead character played by Jackie Cooper, and the even more dubious 'ohh go on then' response by the victim played by Barbara Babcock (the 70s really took misogyny to another level). Ohh and I must give a massive nod to the films lighting department, it lit tunnels and elevator shafts green, way before Alien/Aliens did.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Last Kind Words, 2012 - ★★★½

Last Kind Words, 2012 - ★★★½
REVIEWED

"Why don't you kiss me... its not a sin if I'm drunk"

City dweller Katie (Sarah Steele)

'Last Kind Words' is a pretty damned cool, slow paced supernatural yarn, set in a rural backwater. It follows 17 year old Eli (Spencer Daniels) who discovers that his neighbor Waylon (Brad Dourif) is hiding a shocking family secret, and that his dream girl Amanda (Alexia Fast) isn't all she seems.

Quality little picture, its the first feature from writer/director Kevin Barker that proves so long as you put in some effort, you don't need millions to make a good film. Visually sun drenched, aurally its soaked with delta blues and folk, plus the acting is solid throughout. What more can you ask for (I really enjoyed it) I'd liken it to an indie version of 'Lovely Bones'. I guess it'll be a touch slow for thrill seekers, but if you're in the mood for something a little more restraint, you could do far far worse than this.

[PRFR]
Brad Dourif making a low budget movie worth a shit, the quality delta blues soundtrack and lovely Alexia Fast skinny dipping.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Aftershock, 2013 - ★½

Aftershock, 2013 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Your going to hell..."

Escaped Criminal

Having recently shat upon the world the truly shambolic web series 'Hemlock Grove', Eli Roth steps in front of the camera for the equally shambolic Chilean gore soaked disaster romp 'Aftershock'. A vacationing American and his party get caught up in an earthquake while clubbing in Chili. As well dealing with the initial destruction, the groups got to deal with the aftershock, which include a gang of escaped criminals and the threat of a tsunami.

Such an atrocious 10+ million waste of celluloid, I doubt I'll catch a worse film for its budget for the remainder of this year. I seriously hope writer & director Nicolás López, along with with the rest of the cast+crew blew their budget on quality pharmaceuticals, because it doesn't look like it went into the film. Every character is an asshole, you're only too happy to see die. The first third feels totally wasted, sort of like a goofy 'Hangover' style vacation setup, including a Chilean Zach Galifanakis wannabe only with zero the charm. Then when the laughably bad earthquake hits, the film picks up a little, but the events tensions wasted when you meet the goofy premise of escaped women hungry prisoners. On the bright side the locations are beautiful, as are various members of the fairer sex within the movie.

[PRFR]
Cheering when the dreadful dancer Russel bowed out, highly possible his cameo was some local Chilean celebrity that western viewers wouldn't get the reference. In fact to be fair, in the films credit you never know when one of the key character's is about to get wiped out, which was a tad refreshing. And the final was pretty cool, a little reminiscent of the surfer movie 'Point Break'.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Lucky, 2011 - ★★½

Lucky, 2011 - ★★½
REVIEWED

"Are aphids the ones that bite the heads off their husbands"

Imaginary Friend

Light hearted romcom/thriller. Following a mild mothers boy and lady killing serial killer Ben (played by Tom Hanks jnr Colin Hanks). He's had a lifelong crush on his neighbor Lucy (Ari Graynor), only shes always spurned his advances until that is he wins 37 million dollars on the lottery. But can he keep the girl, the money and his killing hobby.

Very average comedy, theres slight Hitchcockian vibe that never develops enough to make it rise above being mediocre. I did sort of like both Ari Graynor as Lucy and Colin Hanks as Ben, but both their characters needed to have a nastier edge.

[PRFR]
Erm its not got much memorable, in fact I watched it yesterday and can't honestly remember an whole lot 24 hours later. Guess the all girl hot tub party with imaginary people stood out (shame about the bikinis).

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Return of the Moonwalker, 2013 - ½

Return of the Moonwalker, 2013 - ½
REVIEWED

"I'm Black, and I'm White, I'm Dark, and I'm Light, I'm Yin-yang Hermaphrodite..."

Michael Jackson (Michael Rider)

Atrociously bad and painfully unfunny German comedy. A midget and his ladyboy lover/sex slave, dig up the corpse of Michael Jackson so a side show performer can resurrect him from the dead.

I knew going into this turkey that it wasn't going to be highbrow or have great artistic merit. But 'Return of the Moonwalker' seriously lacks any worthy aspect. The gags fall flat outside of being crude and offensive they lack humor, the acting gives a new meaning to substandard (doesn't help they're a German cast speaking English) and the plots all over the fucking place, theres not even much screentime given to the MJ performer.

[PRFR]
Another steamer I'm trying to block from my memory, so doubt I'll remember much, in fact I'll probably need counselling for the tasteful opening scene with an S&M midget fucking the ugliest ladyboy imaginable in the ass.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Texas Chainsaw, 2013 - ★½

Texas Chainsaw, 2013 - ★½
REVIEWED

"Fit for pig meat you'll be... squeal squeal"

Local lynch mob member

Texas Chainsaw 3D puts the Zzzzzzz in BuZZZzzz
Another trite entry in the hailing TCM franchise, the atrocious plot concerns original Sawyer family offspring Heather. She's grown up thinking she was someone else's child but due to being left property in her real mothers will. She finds out the truth that shes a descendant of the sinister Sawyer clan. Heather takes a trip to see her newly acquired property and finds out shes not the only descendant still alive, her cousin Bubba 'Leatherface' Sawyer is still lurking around the family home.

I'd feared the worst about this sorry mess early on when I'd heard it was being filmed in 3D. Sure the previous sequels and reboots had been bad but this really out did itself on the shit scale. The story was lame, visually it looked like a million dollar straight to video movie, the actings was sub par (they even threw in a poor mans Brad Pitt with Shaun Sipos)... hell even the gore FX felt decidedly shoddy. If I ever find a magic lamp I'm saving one wish for John Luessenhop to never make another horror genre movie.

[PRFR]
I really doubt I'll be remember this for anything. Guess the highlight was the silly anti Christian song by John R Butler that played on a car radio, was a very South Park moment.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

The Almost Man, 2012 - ★★★½

The Almost Man, 2012 - ★★★½
REVIEWED

"She can uncoil her boobs until they are 10-12 meters long..."

Henrik (Henrik Rafaelsen)

35 year old Norwegian Henrik is bored with the mundanity of modern adult life, so hes refused to fully mature. Only his worlds pushed into crises when his girlfriend Tone tells him shes pregnant.

Martin Lund's debut movie is an odd toned romantic comedy, that actually plays more like a drama and character study of a man child. Henrik Rafaelsen who looks somewhere between 'The It Crowds' Chris O'Dowd and 'League of Gents' Mark Gatiss, plays Henrik so well its easy to believe you're just watching a guys daily life. Likewise Janne Heltberg is hugely likable as his girlfriend Tone, just a shame the nudity in the film was all male. I really liked The Almost Man, its not perfect or entertaining every second, but it definitely comes from an honest place.

[PRFR]
The scene Henrick gets caught pissing on a copy of Peter Pan, which was probably a reference to defacing a character that never grows up.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Maniac, 2013 - ★★★

Maniac, 2013 - ★★★
REVIEWED

"Do you go dumpster diving, department store garbage bins in search of used parts!"

Art Agent (Jan Broberg)

Surprisingly competent remake of the infamous Joe Spinell/William Lustig slasher. This 2013 version is filmed in glorious frodovision, as in the entire runtime is from the POV of lead actor and hobbit Elijah Wood. He plays sexually repressed Frank. By day a mild mannered vintage mannequin restorer, by night a scalp collecting lady killer.

This remake was never going to capture the downbeat grisly tone and the sheer gore levels of the original, they just don't make movies like that anymore. It still managed to throw enough blood and sleaze to hold the film together and not leave it feeling too watered down. This remake works best in the camera work and cinematography department, you can clearly see Alexandre Aja's had an influence on the general look as well as the story. The soundtracks also pretty solid, its got that classic 70's early 80s grindhouse vibe but given a modern electronic makeover. Elijah Woods character is so understated hes not given room to mess it up, and Nora Arnezeder is very likable and attractive as photographer Anna.

[PRFR]
Elija's amusing full frontal dream shot. And the bits it successfully felt like an early 80's slasher, like the subway stalking scene.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Ubit Drakona, 1988 - ★★★★

Ubit Drakona aka Kill the Dragon 1988 - ★★★★
REVIEWED

"The only way to get rid of a dragon, is to have ones own dragon."

The Archivist 

 

Beguiling Russian fable that uses the age old theme of an Hero vs Dragon as its backdrop to study human nature and why society will always be governed by one system or another and never be truly free. A traveler who claims to be a descendant of Lancelot walks into a city to find it under the grip of the tyrannical Mr Dragon. Our hero learns that anyone has a right to challenge the Dragon, only do the backward nations people really need or want their freedom back.

The movies all over the damn place, theres musical numbers and science fiction thrown in among its more dramatic moments. But even though its absurd its got an extremely sharp plot and makes great points. I'll be honest, a touch of the more political aspects flew gleefully over my head, outside of the Cold War and Stalin I'm very ignorant to Soviet Union politics. The structure of 'Ubit Drakona aka Kill the Dragon' reminded me most of Jack Arnold's anti war/establishment classic 'The Mouse That Roared', in that its really a comedy about the little man making a stand. Hell Oleg Yankovskiy as Mr Dragon hops into several persona's equally as well as Sellers managed to do. In fact the acting is solid throughout especially from Yankovskiey and Aleksandr Abdulov as our hero. Like most Russian fantasy movies its visually sumptuous, the locations used and peculiar architecture really add to the other world & time feel.

[PRFR]
Some of the crazy policys used like boarding up every window in the city so its populus can't see the truth. And the clever ending with children watching a man flying a dragon kite, open to being taught an alternative way of life.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

The Lords of Salem, 2013 - ★★★

The Lords of Salem, 2013 - ★★★
REVIEWED

"I'll bet there are all sorts of juicy stories, about cunty witches and the heroic deeds of the mighty John Hathorne.

Sonny (Dee Wallace)

Rob Zombies latest opus 'Lords of Salem' plays more like a beginners guide to satanic iconography than a fully realized horror film, an 'Idiots Guide to Religious Symbolism' if you will. Plot concerns a group of witches, all of whom are descendent's of those originaly thought slaughtered in Salem's infamous witch hunts. They plan to resurrect Satan through night disc jockey and atheist Heidi Hawthorne.

Great satanic witchcraft movies like say 'Rosemarys Baby' & the original 'Wickerman' worked because of their subtle slow building nature. Sadly Rob Zombies style is far too heavy handed to make LORDS work. Plus the plots painfully unoriginal and its anti climax was far too vague, whenever I see a film end in this abrupt manner it screams 'ran out of money' more to me, than being a clever tactic.

Though its to Zombie's credit there are some truly amazing visuals here, some of the dream sequences and the operatic black mass worked really well. That said they're thrown in with far too many ropey moments that border on being an MTV Headbangers ball montage. As well as visually, its aurally a mixed bag. With new compositions from Zombies regular guitarist John 5 through to greats by the likes of The Velvet Underground, they used 2 classics here.

Acting is above horror movie average, Rob's wife Sheri Moon Zombie is solid in the lead but its Judy Geeson who steals the film, as the not so do-gooding neighbor Miss Lacy Doyle. It was also a treat seeing Ken Foree all 70's chic'd & wigged up as Heidi's fellow WIQZ Radio and Big H Team member Herman 'sex machine' Jackson.

I can't hand on heart recommend it or say its anything but something worth casually seeing on a Stream or DVD, but it wasn't the total disaster people had been suggesting.

[PRFR]
Learning witches titties aren't always as mouth watering as Britt Eklands. Those surreal Kubrickian dream sequences, with everything from iconic silent cinema images through to midget sized devil fetuses being controlled via umbilical cords (in fact the dream scenes will surely establish Lords as being one for the drugs participating viewership).

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Female Teacher: Dirty Afternoon, 1981 - ★★½

Female Teacher: Dirty Afternoon, 1981 - ★★½
_REVIEWED_

"Its nice I get hooked on it... Man-aholism."

Delinquent student on about sex, while on a swing 

A usually shy and removed teacher strikes up a bond with one of her wayward students, when the police call her due to the students lack of parents. Has her relationship with the young student grows, it stirs deep rooted urges making her question her own lonely lifestyle.

Female Teacher Dirty Afternoon is supposedly the 8th entry in the Nikkatsu series that ran to an amazing 11. Personally I found it dull and a little lifeless, especially when viewed alongside the studios more notorious series. Theres two mild rape scenes that were clearly thrown in purely for titillation reasons, other than those segments its a very basic erotic drama, more than exploitation fest.

[PRFR]
Not much, but I was pretty amused by the students paint thinner huffing father and the fact the funky central theme tune was English.

Originally taken from Letterboxd