The Lords of Salem, 2013 - ★★★

The Lords of Salem, 2013 - ★★★
REVIEWED

"I'll bet there are all sorts of juicy stories, about cunty witches and the heroic deeds of the mighty John Hathorne.

Sonny (Dee Wallace)

Rob Zombies latest opus 'Lords of Salem' plays more like a beginners guide to satanic iconography than a fully realized horror film, an 'Idiots Guide to Religious Symbolism' if you will. Plot concerns a group of witches, all of whom are descendent's of those originaly thought slaughtered in Salem's infamous witch hunts. They plan to resurrect Satan through night disc jockey and atheist Heidi Hawthorne.

Great satanic witchcraft movies like say 'Rosemarys Baby' & the original 'Wickerman' worked because of their subtle slow building nature. Sadly Rob Zombies style is far too heavy handed to make LORDS work. Plus the plots painfully unoriginal and its anti climax was far too vague, whenever I see a film end in this abrupt manner it screams 'ran out of money' more to me, than being a clever tactic.

Though its to Zombie's credit there are some truly amazing visuals here, some of the dream sequences and the operatic black mass worked really well. That said they're thrown in with far too many ropey moments that border on being an MTV Headbangers ball montage. As well as visually, its aurally a mixed bag. With new compositions from Zombies regular guitarist John 5 through to greats by the likes of The Velvet Underground, they used 2 classics here.

Acting is above horror movie average, Rob's wife Sheri Moon Zombie is solid in the lead but its Judy Geeson who steals the film, as the not so do-gooding neighbor Miss Lacy Doyle. It was also a treat seeing Ken Foree all 70's chic'd & wigged up as Heidi's fellow WIQZ Radio and Big H Team member Herman 'sex machine' Jackson.

I can't hand on heart recommend it or say its anything but something worth casually seeing on a Stream or DVD, but it wasn't the total disaster people had been suggesting.

[PRFR]
Learning witches titties aren't always as mouth watering as Britt Eklands. Those surreal Kubrickian dream sequences, with everything from iconic silent cinema images through to midget sized devil fetuses being controlled via umbilical cords (in fact the dream scenes will surely establish Lords as being one for the drugs participating viewership).

Originally taken from Letterboxd

The Peanut Butter Solution, 1985 - ★★★½

The Peanut Butter Solution, 1985 - ★★★½
_REVIEWED_

"Its a case of the hair'em scare'em..."

Dr. Epstein (Harry Hill)

Fun, twisted children's fantasy from Canada. Due to shock while in an haunted house a boy named Michael loses his hair. Out of frustraition he ends up using a magical peanut butter potion to help it grow back. Only it causes his hair to grow extremely long and fast. In steps a sinister arts teacher, who uses this to his advantage to make magic paintbrushes.

Though a touch dated feeling, its still very inventive even downright surreal at times. I'd never heard of it until today but I guess it was a real treat to see back on its release in the 80's. Visually it looks pretty much TV quality, in fact a fair few of the cast I'd seen in Degrassi Junior High.

[PRFR]
The wickedly OTT performance of the kidnapping arts teacher/maniacal painter (aren't they all).

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Dark Skies, 2013 - ★★★½

Dark Skies, 2013 - ★★★½
REVIEWED

"The invasion already happened, no one knows when it happened but they're here."

Edwin Pollard (J.K. Simmons)

Damned solid alien abduction science fiction drama that plays almost like a scene for scene remake of Spielberg/Tobe Hooper's Poltergeist only swapping crazy Injun spirits for child curious Grey's. The Barrett family are made prisoners in their own home, after numerous inexplainable occurrences they're forced to the conclusion that an alien presence is interest in one of their children.

Wow I surprisingly really liked this, of course the subjects been done many times before from various X-Files episodes to Communion. But Dark Skies to its credit is one of those rare entries that tackles its implausible subject with integrity. Sure its slightly hampered by budget restraints but thankfully it never sunk to cheap tactics.

[PRFR]
The cool walkie-talkie banter and characters of the two boys (packed with 80's Spielberg charm). And J.K. Simmons as the alien abduction obsessive crank.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

13 eerie, 2013 - ★★½

13 eerie, 2013 - ★★½
REVIEWED

Average Canadian indie horror outing that starts with a cool concept and ends up just becoming another lame body count rack'em up. A group of forensic students get taken away to a training compound, where they're expected to study a set of medical supplied corpses. Only there happens to be more corpses than had been placed around the camp, and they're forced to fight for their life.

I'm not going to be cruel on this, I can't say it worked for me but I've seen far worse. Some of the gores pretty good, sadly during the last third most actions at night and is barely lit. The actings is also passable, its just a shame they didn't use the forensic camp concept in a better way.

[PRFR]

A bearded Nick Moran playing the camps stoner cook Larry 'where's me chickens' Jefferson.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Mama, 2013 - ★★½

Mama, 2013 - ★★½
REVIEWED

"I will come back from Clifton Forge with an answer"

Dr. Dreyfuss (Daniel Kash)

A disturbed man having killed his wife, flees to a remote cabin with his two young daughters. His intention is to kill his children so they don't have to face the horrors of life, only hes stopped in his tracks and the girls are left alone for 5 years, only are they really alone.

Bang a few creepy kids in a supernatural horror movie and you're usually onto a sure fire hit. Sadly Andrés Muschietti feature length version of Mama fails to deliver where it matter, namely in being scary. It isn't a total disaster it manages to build a sinister atmosphere early on, in fact for the first hour I was really enjoying it. Its when we finally see our completely CG rendered ghoul that it falls flat, and the film shifts from actually being an horror movie into being more of a fantasy. Didn't help I got confused with the same actor playing both the kids Dad and Uncle.

I just feel a little cheated being a huge horror fan, 'Mama' just fails to offer anything we've not seen dozens of times before and better. Its like they can just tag Guillermo del Toro's name or one of his movies to it and it will be an automatic success. For me 'Painless' was a far superior Spanish horror this year, and 'When the Lights Went Out' made a better child based supernatural chiller.

[PRFR: Personal Reasons For Remembering]

The acting especially by the children is way above standard. As is the cinematography, like the glorious opening with the car speeding along the winding snowy roads (that was oddly reminiscent of Kubrick's The Shinning).

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Skin Of Your Teeth, 1999 - ★½

REVIEWED

Skin Of Your Teeth, 1999 - ★½

I viewed this as part of the "Ultimate Zombie Feast - DVD Collection". A pair of backpackers find refuge in a rural farm, when a zombie invasion has made the cities no go areas.

Yet another routine zombie short, thats far too pedestrian for a 14 minute film.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

KidZ, 2010 - ★★½

KidZ, 2010 - ★★½
REVIEWED

"People are slow and stupid when they're alive, they should be easier to handle when they're dead"

Max (Clive Holloway)

viewed this as part of the "Ultimate Zombie Feast - DVD Collection". Video game loving kidz are left to fend for themselves, when their parents die in a zombie invasion.

9 minute zombie short, that was no doubt heaps of fun for those involved. Cool garage guitar music, a simple enough short that packed a great faux ending.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Fear Of The Living Dead, 2009 - ★★

Fear Of The Living Dead, 2009 - ★★
REVIEWED

I viewed this as part of the "Ultimate Zombie Feast - DVD Collection". A video zombie survival diary. Following our heroine over several days after the worlds gone to shit due to a zombie virus.

Below average 16 minute zombie short. I was bored shitless during this entry.

Originally taken from Letterboxd