The Lords of Salem, 2013 - ★★★

The Lords of Salem, 2013 - ★★★
REVIEWED

"I'll bet there are all sorts of juicy stories, about cunty witches and the heroic deeds of the mighty John Hathorne.

Sonny (Dee Wallace)

Rob Zombies latest opus 'Lords of Salem' plays more like a beginners guide to satanic iconography than a fully realized horror film, an 'Idiots Guide to Religious Symbolism' if you will. Plot concerns a group of witches, all of whom are descendent's of those originaly thought slaughtered in Salem's infamous witch hunts. They plan to resurrect Satan through night disc jockey and atheist Heidi Hawthorne.

Great satanic witchcraft movies like say 'Rosemarys Baby' & the original 'Wickerman' worked because of their subtle slow building nature. Sadly Rob Zombies style is far too heavy handed to make LORDS work. Plus the plots painfully unoriginal and its anti climax was far too vague, whenever I see a film end in this abrupt manner it screams 'ran out of money' more to me, than being a clever tactic.

Though its to Zombie's credit there are some truly amazing visuals here, some of the dream sequences and the operatic black mass worked really well. That said they're thrown in with far too many ropey moments that border on being an MTV Headbangers ball montage. As well as visually, its aurally a mixed bag. With new compositions from Zombies regular guitarist John 5 through to greats by the likes of The Velvet Underground, they used 2 classics here.

Acting is above horror movie average, Rob's wife Sheri Moon Zombie is solid in the lead but its Judy Geeson who steals the film, as the not so do-gooding neighbor Miss Lacy Doyle. It was also a treat seeing Ken Foree all 70's chic'd & wigged up as Heidi's fellow WIQZ Radio and Big H Team member Herman 'sex machine' Jackson.

I can't hand on heart recommend it or say its anything but something worth casually seeing on a Stream or DVD, but it wasn't the total disaster people had been suggesting.

[PRFR]
Learning witches titties aren't always as mouth watering as Britt Eklands. Those surreal Kubrickian dream sequences, with everything from iconic silent cinema images through to midget sized devil fetuses being controlled via umbilical cords (in fact the dream scenes will surely establish Lords as being one for the drugs participating viewership).

Originally taken from Letterboxd

May I Kill U?, 2013 - ½

May I Kill U?, 2013 - ½
REVIEWED

Embarrassingly bad, low grade crime satire that wouldn't even stand up to youtube quality skits. Kevin Bishop (of shit UK comedy trash 'Star Stories') plays copper Baz, he decides to go vigilante and make a lone stand against urban criminal.

Single worst film experience I've had this year, its sub cable TV standard. Actually it did remind me like the sort of thing Channel 4 airs in their Comedy Lab slots (stand alone comedy drama pilots, made at cost in the hope of generating interest in full series).

[PRFR]

Nothing, the quicker I forget the whole sorry mess the better. And Francis Barber has really gone to shit.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Skellig: The Owl Man, 2009 - ★★★½

Skellig: The Owl Man, 2009 - ★★★½
REVIEWED

"Reasons to be cheerful part 3, 1 2 3, some of Buddy Holly, the working folly, the Bolshoi Ballet...."

Dave (John Simm) Dad singing to Ian Dury

Wickedly subdued slice of fantasy dealing with faith and self belief. Michaels parents move to a rundown old house in-order to make room for their impending addition of a new baby sister. Angsty teenager Michael discovers a stranger is living in an old work shed in the garden. At first he assumes the man is merely a junkie seeking shelter, though later he learns the man who seems to have given up on himself isn't what he first appeared.

Charming made for TV family movie based on David Almond's clever children's book. The story is very reminiscent of the classic children's faith testing movies 'Forbidden Games' & 'Whistle Down the Wind' only much more fantasy orientated, its a solid adaptation with great production values. I'm actually shocked how mature SKY Televisions output has become over the last three or four years, gone are the crumbly old days of starsearch. The casts fantastic with Tim Roth, Kelly Macdonald & John Simm, but its young 'Son of Rambow' actor Bill Milner that shines brightest.

[PRFR: Personal Reasons For Remembering]

Quality acting, magical numbered Chinese take aways and dodgy gags about arteritis (Arthur Itus).

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Sightseers, 2012 - ★★★½

Sightseers, 2012 - ★★★½
REVIEWED

"I wouldnt shit on you Chris, not unless you asked me to"

Tina (Alice Lowe)

Right Tina our next stop is... Sightseers is a darkly humourous vacation nightmare. Anal retentive Chris takes his withdrawn mother fixated new girlfriend Tina, on a sightseeing camping trip of the great Northern English countryside. Only theres more under the surface of Chris & Tina's heady world of named caravans, quaint museums and sexy knitted underwear than first meets the eye.

Sightseers is one of those movies that succeeds in being both cringe inducingly bleak and hilarious in equal measures. Its sort of Natural Born Killers meets Carry on Camping, or National Lampoons European Vacation by way of Hammer. In fact outside of BBC's League of Gentlemen I've not seen rural comedy so dark, probably Klovn: The Movie would be closest recent film, thats similar.

"Hes not a person Tina, hes a daily mail reader."

Chris (Steve Oram)

Director Ben Wheatley does a fine job of capturing the mundane world of camping, even managing to throw in some lovely footage of the countryside. The central performances from Steve Oram as Chris and Alice Lowe as Tina are spot on (they also both threw their own material into the mix). Likewise Amy Jump's script, is briming with subtle and not so subtle satire. Highlight for me was the few times Tina came out of her shell, from being a timid knitting & dog loving home girl to being full on smut, with foul mouth rants about using shit for lipstick.... Ohh and that ending was standing ovation worthy, everyone loves an happy ending, right!.

[PRFR: Personal Reasons For Remembering]
Reminded me how fucking dull British caravaning holidays are, use of our national hymn Jerusalem and the ending.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

The Outcasts, 1985 - ★★★★

The Outcasts, 1985 - ★★★★
REVIEWED

"Horrible hairy, boozy, smelly, pervy bikers!... but they're nice people."

Pub Barman

Viewed as part of my Beware the Docs of March Marathon 1. Hilarious documentary, following an hard Heineken® drinkin', cheeky pot smokin' & speed abusin' Great Yarmouth based biker gang, who are sort of a low rent chapter of the English hells angels.

Taken from the British 'Forty Minutes' one off short documentaries, The Outcasts was so painfully funny you'd be forgiven for thinking it was a 'Spinal Tap' style soof mockumentary. The gang only consist of 30 odd members (best to keep it small, so we know everyone) but they do meetings with other gangs and get upwards of 150 showing up. They love their mams and seemingly make their club funds by running a burger van, during the film most the members get caught in a DHSS fraud swoop. Not the best doc I've ever seen, but one of the more funnier ones. Hell even the darker, more serious sides to the film made me laugh, like one of their members Wulf's funeral.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Legend of the Witches, 1970 - ★★★★½

Legend of the Witches, 1970 - ★★★★½
REVIEWED

"The symbolic whippings let him understand, from now hes subject to the disciplines of the cult."

Narrator

Viewed as part of my Beware the Docs of March Marathon 1. Brilliant and somewhat eerie B&W documentary oddity, covering English witches and paganism from medieval times through to modern day. It works as both a nature style docu with a narrator describing the actions of a witchcraft cult, and also includes the history of their beliefs, and how it predated Christianity.

For an old vintage film it really kicks ass, its got it all from debasing Christianity, a cock sacrifice, hallucinogenic herbs, sound induced trances and naked pagan fertility ceremonies. A little bit of the documentary uses old paintings or stock footage, but theres also heaps of marvelously filmed b&w footage of black masses and a bizarre Cornish witchcraft Museum, thats got jars of mutilated sex organs among its many delights. I was fascinated throughout, I learnt so much about my own countries darker history, plus it packed lots of boobs which sealed the deal for me. Its also given me a new twisted catchphrase "Piercing the wafer".

It could be argued that much of this is sensationalized performance pieces and not authentic witches in action. But aren't all docs subjects slightly playing up towards the camera, anyway out of all the great docs I've caught in March, this was probably my favorite (certainly in my top 3). I'm coming to the end of March now, but anyone recommend me any docu oddities please do so HERE.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Franz Kafka's It's a Wonderful Life, 1995 - ★★★★

Franz Kafka's It's a Wonderful Life, 1995 - ★★★★
REVIEWED

"Jiminy Cockroach... what times are hard."

Woland (Ken Stott)

Wickedly stylish, nightmarish short that twists Franz Kafka's classic tale 'The Metamorphosis' with Frank Capra's legendary It's A Wonderful Life. Mr. K suffers a turbulent spell of anxiety leading to writers block, he starts to get more and more depressed while his imagination gets the better of him.

Visually and aurally spellbinding, with a fantastic cast featuring Richard E. Grant and Ken Stott. Throw in a cool concept, adds up to make a rewarding short movie.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Plagued, 2009 - ★★

Plagued, 2009 - ★★
REVIEWED

I viewed this as part of the "Ultimate Zombie Feast - DVD Collection". A man sits on a docks reminising on mankinds struggle with a zombie plague.

Routine 16 minute zombie short, thats a more serious modern '28 Days Later' urban feeling take on the genre.

Originally taken from Letterboxd

Dead Hungry, 2009 - ★★★

Dead Hungry, 2009 - ★★★
REVIEWED

I viewed this as part of the "Ultimate Zombie Feast - DVD Collection". Campers flee to a cabin in the woods, when the locals start to crave brains.

Fun 9 minute zombie slapstick short, with the central zombie doing more harm to himself than the vacationers. Entertaining simple tale.

Originally taken from Letterboxd